World Mental Health Week 2018

Hello dear readers!

World Mental Health Day is 10 October 2018 and a huge part of me feels that it’s important continue to spread the awareness of mental illnesses no matter how small this is to you.

Here in Singapore, I must say much more emphasis has been placed on mental awareness and wellness as compared to when I was in school. Many schools and companies have implemented wellness activities ever since and it’s great to see improvement.

If this is your first time reading my post, you might want to read my older posts on my thoughts and experiences with Anti-NMDA Receptor Encephalitis to better understand this neurological illness which is commonly mistaken for a mental one.

This illness attacks each individual differently and has no cure till today, only treatment. It develops in multiple stages so the faster or earlier it is detected, the better. In my case, it began with frequent headaches when I was about 14 years old, and like most of us would do, I ignored it. I then had my first seizure at 22 years of age, during a test. My doctor and I believe stress has a part to play but has not been proven yet.

Anyway to cut the drama short, my brain was inflammed (on fire). The good cells in my body were attacking cells located in my brain. Cells which controlled my speech, movement, memory, personality etc. There was confusion/anger/sadness and all kinds of emotions during this entire battle. With the right treatment and constant support, I consider myself as ‘recovered’ but the right term is ‘in remission’. Zero relapses for 3 years. Till today, I am thankful that I was lucky as my case was considered a mild one. And am extremely grateful for having this life change and happy to be where I am today, taking life one step at a time.

So here’s a little something I wrote when I was discharged back in 2013.

Dear Anti-NMDA Receptor Encephalitis,

What I only know is what you are,
The symptoms the treatment
I only know you by name
You're still a mystery

You took everyone and I by surprise
You made me see the unexpected
I only know you're up to no good
You're still a mystery

Whilst you remain in darkness,
You continued to control my every move
Seems like you enjoy watching pain
And planned everything to your gain

Memories will stay
Moments were grey
They're tough to erase
But I know I have to let it go one day
For Anti-NMDA is a part of me today

With love,
One of the many warriors who battled you

I read this quote that…there are many types of illnesses today but if we take out the ‘I’ of illness and replace it with a ‘we’, it becomes wellness!

It’s always better to have a ‘we’ in our lives. We meaning your family, loved ones, those who are always there no matter how low a mood you are in. Those who don’t give up on you easily. You know what I mean right? You don’t have to go through your battle alone. I had TREMENDOUS support during both recovery and post recovery stage. I just want to continue supporting all the other warriors out there and hope you do the same too.

Everyone has their own story. Some may choose to share theirs, some may choose not to. Throughout these 3 years of being in remission, I’m glad that several concerned others have reached out to me, usually because their loved one has Anti-NMDA and desperately needed answers. I may not be able to cure them but I sure can provide some support that they need.

Mental health is just like physical health. There are no shortcuts. Your wellness/well being has to be constantly monitored. You are your best judge. You set your own priorities. Only you and your mindset can make you truly happy, not other tangible assets. Yes, we have our low points in life but what Anti-NMDA has taught me, is that there is always light at the end of our tunnel, no matter how long it takes. I believe God didn’t want us to suffer something that we couldn’t bear. Never give up on life.

Alright, I think I’ve typed enough, don’t wish for you to dose off.
So, I hope everyone thinks of their mental health and makes changes. Seek help if you must, don’t hesitate because you’re never alone. A tiny change could make lasting effects for yourself (:

Thanks for you time!

Love, D

Alive & kicking!

HELLO to my dear readers!

If you are new to this site, welcome(:

It is 8 March 2017. I have to admit, I have not been updating this page for a year!! Well, I’m here now! Much has happened, both good and bad. Life in general has been fair I suppose.
Healthwise, I think I’ve sprained my right wrist slightly due to the nature of my work. I also just recovered from my first tonsilitis experience. Had such chilling high fevers and swollen tonsils till I had some trouble breathing. All is good now, thanks to anti-biotics. My overall health for the past year have been okay, nothing too dramatic as compared to my NMDA days. With regards to that, my follow up with my neurologist last year was very good and I’m glad I have come this far without trouble.(:

The power of social media (FB) has reminded me that exactly 4 years ago, I was discharged after recovering from my relapse. Time passed by so quickly but the memories are still etched to my heart. I remember being so excited and inspired to start my own book abt my entire experience etc. I eventually started this blog. And I am happy and proud to say that through this blog, people have approached me for help. I recently received a message from someone whose brother wasn’t responding to the treatment given and was hoping that I could help. And I did! Throughout these years of post recovery have been great actually. I managed to help others out even though I did not meet them personally.  I was told my posts inspired them and maybe this is what partly made me want to update this site again!

Someday, there will always be someone who may stumble upon this site hoping to get answers to their burning questions. For those who have not read my previous posts, in a nut shell, I was diagnosed with a neurological condition called Anti- NMDA Receptor Encephalitis back in 2012. It is an inflammation of the brain or what my doc said “brain on fire”. It happens where the body attacks its own good cells and unfortunately some of those cells control the brain, thus a seizure or bizzare behaviour or even both could occur! All depends on the person’s body.

I suffered my first seizure in Nov 2011 but my condition was only recognised in 2012. So thankfully, my body responded to the treatment given. Despite having another relapse in 2013 and going through another round of tests and steriods etc, I have been medicine free since Dec 2015. (:

NMDA was founded only in 2007. There is still a lot of research to be done for NMDA. For example, what triggers the body to attack itself, still remains a question till today. Some say it is due to stress but has not been proven yet.

The latest news I read is that researchers have found an alternative for patients who did not respond to the usual treatment given. So, two thumbs up to the research team!!

Moving on..

Today is International Women’s Day! A day commerating all women’s struggles for women’s rights. Although it isn’t celebrated much here in Singapore, I’m sure it is in US, UK etc. Women are definitely viewed differently as compared to a decade ago and have come a long way especially in terms of climbing the corporate ladder. So many companies now have women who are their chairman/Director to lead them to the path of success.

I feel women have become so much more outspoken globally no matter what their position is in the company. Being more confident and bold is something I still have yet to learn to be especially at work. Work on my side is alright, minor changes have been implemented already and the more major ones in time to come. I hope to be mentally and physically prepared, to face whatever challenge that is thrown at me. Life is so unpredictable, it catches you when you least expect it! And even if I fail, I can tell myself that I tried and had not just given up even before I was faced with it.

I read an article about a lady who started out with only $2++ in her bank, landed herself a million dollar contract and worked herself all the way to the top. She commented”failure isn’t an option, fear is.” which made total sense don’t you think!?

So cheers to the successful women of today and to the rest of us who are struggling but will always find a way. There is always light at the end of the tunnel if you believe! (:

Thanks for your time dear readers.

Till my next post (hopefully not a year later!),
Love, D

 

Feb update

Hello hello!

I can’t believe February is coming to an end! How has this month been for you guys?

Well for myself, I celebrated Chinese New Year whereby I caught up with my relatives and friends over CNY goodies and some gambling. I also had a good one week break from work, something that I was looking forward since last Christmas! Haha.

I’m clearing my leave today therefore, updating this dying blog of mine. Hmm anyway my main purpose of today’s post is that World Encephalitis Day was just two days back. I didn’t manage to post anything on FB or Instagram but will do so soon. Based on my previous post, I mentioned that my dad and I would be meeting a mother whose daughter was recently diagnosed with NMDA encephalitis too. It was a good sharing experience and I hope our discussion has helped them one way or another. She is now discharged and recovering slowly but surely and we have our parents, family, friends and God to thank for.

As for myself, I have been medicine free for two months now. All has been good. I guess I am in the remission stage? I’m always asking my neurologist whether has a cure been found or has there been any new research done up? Speaking about that, my next appt with him would be in March so hope all goes well!

Alright, I shall be off now to grab some lunch and enjoy the rest of my off day 😀

Thanks for your time dear readers!

Love, D

 

 

 

The intern experience

HELLO ALL!!

Deepest apologies once again for the serious lack of updates here.

I see there are people still viewing my blog, whether it is my followers or newcomers, I feel guilty for not updating this space!! Okay so here goes. I’ve finally found some spare time to blog.

We’re in the middle of May already! Time is flying way too quickly. I’m into my 3rd coming to 4th month at my internship site! I’m interning in at a production site – F&B line. In the cake department. And yup, you must be wondering how’s it been for me? Someone who has zero experience in this line. Well, everyone has to start somewhere right? My internship-school schedule is sorta on a 2 weeks rotation. I work for 2 weeks then back to school for a week and the cycle is repeated. So my first 2 weeks was HELL. Maybe I was too hard on myself? But I found it tough. Work wise, it was interesting. I learnt/still learning a lot. The pace is definitely different. People are different. They aren’t your friends. No one can be trusted. As usual, as interns, you usually get bullied/blamed for certain things etc. Although I enjoy what I’m doing, sometimes the mental part of it gets to me (which is my weakness: I tend to overthink stuff). I always pray every morning on the way to work (work starts at 7am btw) that everything goes smoothly, that I can pull through each day without much difficulty. And yes God did answer my prayers. As the weeks went by, I felt more familiar with everything blahblah. I still make mistakes so def need to improve on that!! Perfection is not everything, I know.

Many say being a pastry chef can be tiring mentally especially the physical part and yes, I truly agree!!

My legs, feet, arms (sometimes backache) were aching within the first week! GAH. But im getting used to it, especially the long standing hours. I realised I get more tired when I need to get up from sitting for half hr or more. Weird? Anyway, important thing is NO PAIN NO GAIN. and and and SUCK EVERYTHING UP! That is gonna be my advice to all future interns. Suck everything up. No matter how much you get scolded for the slightest thing or being belittled… Be thick skinned!! Survival tips for ya!! Oh yes, don’t take your weekends for granted! I’m already very lucky to have Sunday as my off day. Compared to my other classmates attached to hotels, they work more hours yet still get the same pay/depends. So, shall count myself lucky that way. About 8-9 more months till the end of internship. Looking forward. POSITIVE positivepositivepositiveeeeeeee.

Moving away from my intern experience so far, I wanted to tell you readers that my term 2 at school has come to an end.

Ended off with my term 2 assessment yesterday where I had to produce 3 items. Classic French dessert: Saint Honore and 2 Asian desserts – kueh bakar berlauk (Malay) and crispy red bean pancake (Chinese).

Yes, I was nervous before entering the kitchen but everything was better when I started so yay. Feedback from my chef wasn’t that bad. There was room for improvement in terms of time and some of my techniques but nothing major so *phew. Thankfully, no accidents such as my terrible terrible unforgettable loss of nail that I carelessly sliced off during my previous assessment. My nail has fully grown but has grown crookedly. I don’t know how to explain but it’s different than how it used to look like before.

Oh I did burn myself while working. Dear deck oven decided to give me a burn near my elbow. Thankfully the skin has peeled off. Gotta be careful with the ovens, stove and all.

So that’s my life summarised into those paragraphs. Time really waits for no one. Time is something not to be taken granted for! Despite my work/school schedule, I still managed to squeeze time to meet my close ones so I’m happy for that. Also, exercise! I finally got back to exercising. Need to keep reminding myself for health’s sake! Tomorrow, I’ve planned to dedicate some time to baking – my fav!! It’s gonna be a special cake for my mum, her belated mother’s day celebration. It’s gonna have her fav ginger snap biscuits. Lets just hope it’ll turn out fabbbb!

Alright, shall end off here. Thanks for reading this space dear readers. Have a good weekend!!

Love, D

Close to the end but not forever

Great news dear followers!!

It’s confirmed. School would commence officially on 28 Oct 2013 for me!!

Although I did not show how happy I was upon receiving the call, I was gleaming from within. I’m definitely hyped up about it! Counting down to my first day. I’m gonna be a student once again(haha) and yes, there’s no stopping to one’s learning curve. It’s also gonna be an end to my ‘pretty long break’ chapter and hopefully an awesome beginning to a new chapter at Sunrice. For readers who don’t already know..I applied to Sunrice – pastry and baking course/diploma. Although I have one in business, baking is what I really want to do and am passionate about it. So if there’s a will, there’s a way (:

I will still make time to update this space, don’t worry! I’m sure I’ll have loads of stories/new experiences, good and bad,, like my first burn/cut/injury or my first bread I made(never baked that before!) Oh yes, the friends I’ll be making. I hope I can find at least one or two with the same frequency as me. Heh. 

Alright so moving away from this topic..and onto my medical issue.  

I’m currently off my steriod (Phynetoin)!! So glad that’s done so now it’s less one type of medication for me, hooray olay!!

I also make it a point to jot down whenever I feel weird/act strangely or when I get those headaches I used to get before my diagnosis. I’ll be visiting my doc and having my blood test in less than 2 weeks time. And as always, I’ll be crossing my fingers that the nurse will be able to draw my blood!! I don’t think my doc will be reducing anymore of my medication because the plan is for me to be on this 1 year immuno-suppression thing. 

I can’t wait for the day I’m completely off the drugs! However, I feel too ‘attached’ or rather dependent on it for example, one night, I realised I didn’t have anymore of my steriods and panicked a little? To my relief but bad memory, I was told by the pharmacist that I was supposed to stop taking steriods after that night. How forgetful of me!! Argh. I always try to remember important things such as this yet I can’t rely on myself. I hope this wouldn’t affect my progress when school starts. I must learn to focus and concentrate more! *easy to say yet tough to act*

Anyway, I will continue to monitor myself especially when school starts. 

I’ll just end off with a quote of encouragement: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” – Confucius 

In her bubble

Days turn to weeks,

weeks turn to months.

Time is not on your side,

memories keep building.

Those that you remember are the ones you don’t intend to,

you don’t wish to.

You wish to remember the ones that you often have trouble remembering,

those close to your heart.

Have you dreamt of being in a time machine,

one that brings you back to the past and to the future.

Have you dreamt of times when you were happier,

when you were truly yourself.

Well I have. I hate it when I dream.

Life – unpredictable

Hi, again.

I was reading through my first few updates about my post recovery, I think my Nov 2012 post?

In that post, I mentioned and hoped for no relapses to happen. But look what unfortunately happened on the night of 14 Feb 2013 (just realised it was Valentine’s Day) anyway, yup a seizure took place yet again but this time at home.

What made me read my old posts was because of my recent scream my dad heard. He told me not to do that as that just brought back unhappy memories. The last time I screamed like that was on that fateful night. I remember myself trying to recall whatever I had revised as I had a paper the next morning. The next thing I knew, I was on my bedroom floor, waking up to an attendant asking me if I knew what had happened.

It’s been exactly 6 months since I was last discharged after my relapse.

So much has happened to me including the people around me. I can safely say life really gets to you when you least expect it. You think you have control of your entire life but somehow some way someone or rather the man above, has other things planned out for you and you have no choice but to go along with it.

I together with others who have the same condition as me are fighting this battle every single day.

For me, a great difference in my life is that I’m now reliant on the various types of medication. Although my dosage of some are slowly being reduced, I feel like I can’t go on without it when I do stop completely. So that will be another challenge for me when that day comes. For now, I just have to stay mentally alert and take my health seriously. Many have come to me telling me how brave/courageous I’ve been and yes I would like to be because I think living this ‘new’ life right now has made me reflect on a lot of things and has made me a stronger person today.

I can go on typing but I think this will do! Thanks for your time dear readers. Do support brain research! (:

Love, D

Somewhere next to normal

Hello hello.

So how was your weekend? It was an entertaining one for me!

There was my friend’s birthday party. It was a party at MacDonalds attended by us [overaged kids] haha, well the birthday boy wanted to fulfill his childhood dream so I guess he did! It was a good catch up with my friends over uhhh fast food and some games. We are still young at heart. The party ended off with some cake and each of us went home with a goodie bag filled with old school snacks (:

On Sunday, my family and I watched ‘Next to Normal‘, a local musical production by ‘Pangdemonium’. So glad I caught the second last show!! No regrets to spending my 2hrs plus listening to the very talented cast perform songs with beautiful meaningful lyrics. I heard a few sniffles, including myself.

Above photo is of Tracie & Adrian Pang who set up Pangdemonium, a not-for-profit theatre company dedicated to bringing stories to life on stage in the most dynamic way.

Next to Normal was my first local musical production that I’ve caught this year and it was executed very well!! With such brilliant, talented cast members, I could relate to it especially character Diana played by Sally Ann Triplett who is diagnosed as bipolar. This wonderful musical allows the audience to journey together with its’ cast -Diana’s family who struggles to cope with her mental illness. I’m really happy that this production covers the topic on family and mental health. More awareness needs to be done on mental health.. Although we all know what bipolar is, we know that certain person is depressed etc but what we don’t know is what happens at home. Reality. What actually goes on in that person’s mind, how does she/he feel, why does she/he behave that way and so on. In this musical, Diana loses most of her memory after going for ECT. When she returns home, she can hardly recognise her home, not even her own daughter. Going for the ECT was supposed to make her better, by sort of ‘re-starting’ her brain/memory. So much for going for that procedure, she’s physically back home but mentally somewhere else!! She’s left all confused. Her husband played by Adrain Pang, slowly shows her pictures of the past in the hope of regaining her many years of memories lost.

What I liked about the musical was the twist (spoiler ahead!) slightly after the beginning of the musical where the audience finds out Diana’s son played by Nathan Hartono is actually dead!! So if we were to put ourselves in Diana’s shoes, she was hallucinating all this while.

For new followers, hi, if you read my first few posts, I’m actually diagnosed with a neurological condition which is currently being researched on called ‘Anti-NMDAR auto immune Encephalitis’. It started with seizures. I was in and out of hospital. I hallucinated, I had a 360 degree personality change, I had short term memory loss too, lost my speech and mobility. Too much happened during that period. Much Thanks to my ever supportive family, friends and doctors. My life took a drastic turn and I had to make many major decisions ever since such as deferring my uni studies.

So now you probably know why I could relate to Diana’s character. She played it so well! I couldn’t help but tear at certain scenes.

I’m just thankful and grateful for Pangdemonium for this musical, for creating awareness, educating the public more on mental health here in Singapore. I’m sure with more support, more can be done. I guess time will tell. In the meantime, the public should not judge others who have mental issues. It’s because of these people or rather all kinds of people make up the world.  We learn from each other. If everyone were the same, there wouldn’t be any uniqueness!

Job well done ‘Pangdemonium’!! *support brain research!*

Love, D

Medicine overtaking me?

missing Whistler

I realised I haven’t shared any photos of my recent vacation!!

Well, here’s one taken at Whistler!! It was mostly beautiful blue skies everyday during my stay over at Delta Village Whistler suites.

Wished more time was spent there. There were too many activities to do/experience!! Maybe I’ll return during their winter season? I’ve seen pictures of Whistler during its’ winter time and it’s another ‘must-go’!! Time to save.

Okay, moving on..

I am still awaiting response from At-Sunrice concerning which intake I’d be enrolling in. The sooner, the better I guess. Really excited about it. I’ll be learning lots, hopefully I can cope with the pace! Need lots of prayers and perseverance and determination from myself.

Another thing I wanna touch on is my recent emotional ‘rollercoaster’ rides.

I’m not sure if it’s the effects of my reduction in medication or something?! But eversince my new dosage, I have realised that I become overly emotional at times. Previously, I didn’t easily tear or breakdown. Oh for my new followers, if you haven’t read my first few posts(way back), I have a rare neurological condition which is currently still being researched on. The medication that I take does include several side effects and thus my raging hormones. I’m not some psychopath. I’m a perfectly normal person who just wants this whole condition/episode to be over. But I know it takes time. I’m taking each step, day by day, hoping for the best. I will continue to observe this weird behaviour of mine. Still trying to figure out why this why that. I think most importantly, I shouldn’t let others’ comments get to me or be concerned with what others would think/judge me. Hope my doc has an answer to this when I next visit him.

Anyway, it’s mid-week. Weekends are drawing nearer! It’s my friend’s birthday this Sat and he asked me to bake for him. Not one but two!! Ahh yes I’m honoured but very worried it’d be a disaster on the actual day. I did attempt the recipe and yes he tried it yesterday and like it so hooray. Hopefully his guests will appreciate it too! Ah okay I shouldn’t be thinking too much! It’s quite a simple cake. I will do it right! You can hop over to my other blog(baking) when I update about the cake I’ll be baking. I’ll probably update it once the birthday party is over. So hop over to batterdayswithdeb.wordpress.com for the upcoming update!! (:

Alright, that’s about all I wanted to share. Time for some exercise!!

Thanks for your time dear readers (:

Love, D

Dream big!

Hello !! *warning: optimistic post here*

I’m in high spirits today or rather yesterday when I received an email from At-Sunrice stating that I have been accepted into their pastry & baking course. My heart skipped a beat reading the email. I read twice to make sure I was right! This great piece of news is kinda still sinking into my head. I have been waiting very patiently for their reply, no point explaining the entire waiting process. Most importantly, I GOT ACCEPTED and this is my stepping stone into the f&b -baking industry!! I’m gonna make the best out of it and graduate with pride(:

I know being a pastry chef is gonna be tough considering the long and tiring hours, not forgetting waking up in the early hours of the morning! But I also know that with this strong desire, determination and passion in me, I can do it! I can, I will no matter what. I cannot let whatever distractions pull me down. I gotta believe in myself, I have to be able to take criticisms well and constantly encourage myself. Sacrifices have to be made in time to come. I know the pay isn’t good as I’ll probably start at rock bottom during my internship but I wouldn’t let it affect me and continue to do what I love(:

Need to prepare myself mentally and physically!!

I’m absolutely thrilled for school to commence either in Oct or Nov. Meanwhile, I’ll continue dreaming about my possible creations, research, get inspired etc!!

Before I know it, I’ll be busy with school and internship, covered and smelling of batter! 😀

I’m sure I’ll have lots of stories to update you readers !! For now, I better treasure all the free time I have.

Future me!! Dream bigger!!

Love, D (your potential At-Sunrice graduate & aspiring pastry chef)